Welcome to the Brilliant Fertility Podcast. I'm your host, dr Katie Rose, and this podcast exists to help illuminate the path ahead of you. With expert interviews, clinical pearls and real client success stories, my intention is to bring you hope for what's possible on this journey and to give you tools and resources to navigate the ups and downs on the road before you. If you find this podcast helpful, don't forget to subscribe on your favorite listening platform. And I have a big request If you have a minute, can you leave us a five-star review and let us know what did you learn? What did you come away with? Did you leave with that spark of hope? This helps more people like you find the podcast. My mission is to support as many humans as possible on their path to become parents, and by you sharing and subscribing, you're part of that mission too, and I'm so grateful for you for being here. Welcome to the Brilliant Fertility Podcast. Welcome back if you've been listening for a bit.

I am, in full transparency, a little nervous about recording today's episode. I had shared on my Instagram stories a couple of days ago that last week I'd had a shitty week, and social media is the highlight reels, right. We see people's vacations. We see their delicious food. We we see really well put together, curated conversations, even if it's about hard things. So rarely do we see the authentic mess or, as one of my adorable and brilliant coaches says, the shit of the shit. And last week I really felt like I was in the shit of the shit. Like I was in the shit of the shit, so I'd share just the briefest little snippet about it and asked if my reflections about this and the opportunity for emotional growth that came with it would be helpful. And, holy heck, a hundred percent of you responded that yes, you were here for these. So here goes. I'm legit nervous about this because, without going into granular detail, I'm going to be sharing some things that I've really never shared publicly before, but I consider this podcast to be an intimate experience in so many ways. So I do ask that you really drop into your heart for this conversation. I was highly, highly triggered last week and it has been a lot of hours of dropping into my heart, of being very honest about some life experiences so much journaling, a lot of vulnerability, a lot of asking for help, a lot of vulnerability, a lot of asking for help and that's, you know, something that I'm really proud of myself for because, as a person who adapted to be hyper independent, doing those things has not always come naturally. I knew you'd get this out of me today.

So, just as like a very brief background for context, when I was in my early twenties, I was in a relationship. You know, in my naive twenties I thought this is it right, this is my person, and it was everything. It was all consuming, and I I'd experienced love before, but not this all consuming experience. And after, oh gosh, around a year or so, there there were some definite red flags that in my innocence, in my believing that you know, you can fix people, you can like people can change, like I, I unfortunately found myself in an emotionally abusive, manipulative relationship that I felt totally blindsided by, and this went on for years and it changed me in ways that I was so ashamed of. I was so ashamed to realize that I was capable of allowing myself to be treated in the ways I was treated and that maybe other people were looking in on this thing. Like gosh, she's so smart on paper. What the hell is she doing in this relationship? Like, is she really that dumb Like this? These are the stories that I told myself and you know, maybe there was really a part of me that was believing that or thinking that and when I reflected back this week on an experience that happened over the 4th of July weekend that and over the 4th of July weekend that really shook me. It brought me back to that place. It brought me back to the what was likely hundreds of arguments where I had the experience of being on the receiving end of narcissistic, emotionally abusive and manipulative behavior. It made me realize that even though that relationship has been done for 15 years and thank God I've not repeated that that I learned enough to know to set my standards differently, to look at behaviors differently, to have this really, really amazing husband that I have now, a truly wonderful and supportive. Couldn't ask for a better human in my life.

But I found myself on the receiving end of this behavior recently and realizing how much wounding was still there from the past. I'd had an inkling of it before, but this shook me in such a way. Thank God I have some of the training that I do now to understand trauma response and notice what was happening within my body, to tell me this feels unsafe and to start processing as soon as I was able to, as soon as I was able to. So in looking at these reflections and again, like I've spent hours on this over the past week and a half or so there's some things that stand out, and it's always interesting. I don't know if you've had this experience when something happens, it seems like it also becomes more noticeable in other areas. Or, as I'm doing the work on something for myself, my patients start bringing things up to me that they've experienced, that they'd never shared before, and I'm like, oh okay, so like we're all on the same page here. We're sort of having these parallel experiences, and that's certainly been true over this past week. It's just been so interesting to observe.

But I realized that not only had I thought that I was done with that, but I had never really truly processed the trauma that I had experienced. I had acknowledged its presence, I had acknowledged what had happened, I had acknowledged that I was not at fault. I did have some rounds of therapy after exiting that relationship, but I never fully processed it from a somatic level, you know, from really noticing, like what was my body's response? What could I feel? And I think this is such a huge shift from, you know, just having talked about it, having had conversations around it where I felt honestly neutral in the past and have been able to help others through a similar experience, but to notice how much was still there and feel that trigger response was mind blowing. So reflections on this because, like, how do I? Like? I'm still in the midst, right, I'm still in the midst of processing this and, like this current recent experience, as well as realizing that like, oh, part of the reason I responded with this level of intensity is because it brought up all of these old wounds that I had never really fully sat with and processed. So there's some big takeaways that I have from this Part of it is just being able to acknowledge the emotions and know that your emotions are valid.

Whatever you are feeling is fucking valid. Okay, and do not let anyone take that from you. Do not let anyone make you feel like your response is crazy. Sure, maybe we've all reacted in ways that we can look back on and say like Ooh, that wasn't the most graceful and didn't like how I responded. But your feelings, whether that be grief or anger or fear or guilt or shame, the feeling itself is valid. Don't let anyone gaslight you and tell you that your feelings are not valid, no one is entitled to your energy and unfortunately, unfortunately, it feels like and again, I'm not a psychologist, I have a ton of psychology training. I'm not a psychologist, I am not an expert in narcissists, I've narcissistic tendency will latch on to people who are willing to engage in the fight with them. It seems to fuel them and they are not entitled to your energy. So if you've ever found yourself in an experience where someone seems like they're just really trying to poke you to get you to react, to get you to engage in something, to get you to apologize for something that you have no reason to apologize for, to shove down or invalidate your own emotions, please know that no one is entitled to your energy.

And one of the reflections that I had this past week and, looking back, I'm like what was it that finally allowed me to step out of that relationship? Because it, throughout the vast majority of it, it was emotionally abusive but not physically abusive, and it was only when it like just barely started to turn physically abusive towards the end that I said this is, this is done Like there is no question in my mind. But I think it was turning physical, because they knew I was already on my way out. And that may be a completely different story for a different day, not on this podcast. But when I thought back to like when did that shift start for me? When I already started to make my slow exit. And I'll tell you, I knew exactly when it was.

We had been having a conversation on a camping trip overlooking this beautiful creek and there were some children playing in the creek and one of the children had Down syndrome. And you know I was watching them from this place of like oh my goodness, like look how much joy they're experiencing. Like this is amazing. And the person I was in the relationship with was watching as, like, kind of horrified, and made a comment of I could never have a child like that. And it just stopped me in my tracks. I think I was speechless for several moments. And so, what do you? What do you mean? You just couldn't have a child like that, as if we have control over that. Like what? That? That really isn't something that we have a direct control over. And this person said, said, yeah, well, you know, we would just get rid of it. And I, I just was so aghast. And you know, in my family of origin where my grandmother's last child had Down syndrome. I never got to meet her. Unfortunately, she passed before I was born. I never got to meet her. Unfortunately, she passed before I was born.

The way this child was spoken about was always with so much love and awe for the gifts that she provided for our family. I thought I knew who. I thought I loved who. I thought loved me. Say this about our children, future children, something that we had talked about and thought about but never talked in that depth, about the what ifs. I just knew that was the first time. I just knew like I, I just knew that was. That was the first time. I just knew, like, this can't go on, this is not the person Like I. I can't have children with this person. And I said something to the effect about you know I. I believe that all children have their gifts and you know I can't imagine what it might be like to go through something like that personally, but I trust myself to rise to the occasion to step up and accept whatever hand God has dealt me.

I identified as, like, very agnostic and, yeah, my partner just said nope, there's no way Like I could never parent a child who has a disability. I'm I just can't do that and it was. It was from there that I think there was just a slower unraveling of things. But the reflection I am getting to and why that to me was so important is I realized in that moment, not just like how important the values were to me of accepting whatever child I was meant to have, not trying to control that outcome. And I do have compassion for the fact that some people really just don't feel equipped to handle that situation. And I do have compassion for the fact that some people really just don't feel equipped to handle that situation and I have no judgment for that. But for me in that moment I just realized what was true and what was right in front of me. I also feel really strongly now that, like my children were already with me, they were already within my aura. I had thought about what that would look like and feel like to be a parent for years and I think there was some part of me in that moment that just clicked.

If I wouldn't tolerate this behavior, this attitude for my children, why am I tolerating it for myself? And I think that that sentiment can be carried across so much of how we show up for ourselves, how we advocate for ourselves, even if your children are not here yet. So if you have had a hard time standing up for yourself with your providers, if you've had a hard time setting boundaries with family members or toxic work environments, whatever that situation may be, what would happen if you sat down and got really honest with yourself and say like, would I tolerate this for my child and, if not, don't tolerate it for yourself? That may be like my largest takeaway from this and realizing, like gosh, they were like really stepping in for me, like some higher energy was stepping in for me in that moment and saying, katie, it's time You've done what you can do. You can't fix this person. It's time, it's time to take care of yourself, it's time to step out, it's time to pave a new path. And however scary that may look and feel like that was when things really started to click for me around that relationship.

Another big reflection from this and one of the conversations that I had with a patient this week who I mean this this conversation feels like it's almost universal, so much of our population may be dealing with this was around the fact that just because someone is an adult does not mean they're mature, and I, like, take full responsibility for my immaturity. My goodness, really, I had some really cringy things that I look back on and go like that was that was really not mature, and we all go through that, right. We all have growing pains, and we all go through that, right. We all have growing pains. I think there's very few of us that can look back and say we were perfect humans.

At a certain point, though, we have to start taking responsibility for our words, our actions, our ways of showing up in this life, and again, while I don't believe I'm doing that perfectly, I'm sure as hell trying for myself, for my children, for my patients, for creating a better world where we can learn to process our emotions so that we're not coming, at every situation, from a reactive, wounded place, and something that this experience, you know, has brought front and center to me is like pausing before I respond, because I wanted to check it and be like. It's like, am I standing in my truth and my power now, or am I flooded with fight or flight hormones and I need a minute to calm down because I'm just coming from that old, reactive place. So really seeing that just because someone is an adult, they are not mature is kind of heartbreaking, and we want the people we love to be able to step up and do better, and yet we can't force them to change. All you can do is clean up your side of the street, process your emotions, learn how to call your power back so that you are coming into situations as the most powerful, clean-oried version of yourself. But we can't force anyone to change, and I actually do believe that people can change. I do believe that I have witnessed it. I have been on the facilitator side of that transformation dozens of times in the last decade, and especially over the last three years, as I've incorporated neuro-linguistic programming and hypnosis and transformational life coaching into my work. But someone has to also want to do better. They have to want to change. And if they're not willing to do so, if they're not willing to take responsibility for themselves and their words and their actions, then all we can do is continue working on ourselves and setting boundaries. Say like you don't get this from me, you don't get my energy, you're not entitled to my trust, you're not entitled to my reactions, you don't get that from me and whatever other boundaries that you need to create for yourself, for your relationship, for your extended family. These are really important things to consider as you navigate life. One chapter of your life. It may feel like it is the main event right now and it it is at this juncture.

If you're, if you've been listening to this podcast, this is probably the thing that has just been most pressing in your life and, my goodness, there's nothing like a fertility struggle to stir up trauma, to stir up old wounds, and I know that we've talked a little bit about trauma on the podcast before. You can go back to one of the earlier episodes with Dr Julie Vaughn where we discussed trauma. But one of the reflections here is also that trauma doesn't have to be this capital T event to have impacted you. Trauma can be any situation that happened where you weren't resourced to process whatever you felt in that moment. If something happened to you as a child and you went to an adult to talk about it and you were blown off. If you were told to stuff your feelings down, if you were told, well, that's not actually a big deal, but you felt like it was, and we can categorize that as trauma. And there's such a wide array of experiences around trauma.

I think we are entering this time and this space where, as we're waking up to what that looks like and feels like and what our various opportunities for processing trauma are, we have to have compassion for ourselves as the people for whom trauma was a part of our lives, while also deciding to step out of the role of victim victim, and that's kind of a hairy topic that I don't know that this moment I feel well equipped enough to be having, as I navigate, the shit of the shit. But that was part of the shitty week, that was the biggest part of it. And you know, at the same time, my husband was traveling, my son had a stomach plug, so it was like the literal, literal shit as well, and and I felt like, oh, I have to have to do all this by myself, like I just I very much had to nurture my inner child and reach out for help. And so this last reflection that I want to bring you today is the asking for help and something that I would have dragged my feet on for weeks, months maybe, just decided eventually well, like I don't really feel it that badly anymore, I'm just going to let this go was to decide to start therapy again. I've done a lot of other things. I've, you know, had hypnosis providers and EFT tapping providers and really amazing humans in my life over the last many years who have been part of my trainings and just would not be here in the capacity that I am today without them. This podcast probably wouldn't exist without them, because I don't know if I would have had the courage to do it without all of those good modalities. But the decision to actually start therapy again and in this current time and place you're really looking for someone who has experience with trauma, who has experience with narcissism, abuse survivors that felt really important to me and I was really intentional but also fast about asking for help in this scenario which 15 years ago, like I, really, really really dragged my feet on.

I also have to thank my acupuncturist, who is just absolutely lovely. If you're in the Tucson area, of course I'm. I practice mostly fertility acupuncture. My acupuncturist has a lot of you know, sees a lot of health conditions, but she also uses some other modalities in her practice and she just reminded me she's like gosh, like yes, you, you have this response and obviously like that's telling us there's still something within you asking for healing, but also look how far you've come to acknowledge that, to collect your power back Like gosh. Look at you healing, growing your angel wings, and it's just really lovely to know that.

I've surrounded myself with good people, so I hope that you are surrounding yourself with good people too, people who believe you, who believe in you, who are rooting for you. It's just priceless to have that and I'm so grateful that I have it. I know that many of you may feel like you don't have that and I validate that feeling of loneliness and also I guarantee you there are people out there who will fight for you, who will root for you, who will help you and support you. Sometimes it takes some vulnerability and asking for help to actually allow that to come through, so that you can receive that help too. So thank you for being here, thank you for encouraging me.

I've taken the time to reflect and I apologize if you've been one of my one-to-one patients over the last week and a half and it took me a long time to get my chart notes to you. Well, you have some context for why that was happening and I thank you for your patience. So, anyway, I hope that this episode helps someone out there who needs it. Even if just one of you has a realization from this that helped you, then it was worth me showing up and crying in front of hundreds of people. I love you, thank you. I hope you have a beautiful rest of your day and I'm here for you If you want to talk about it until next time.